Update (3) – Pregnant, depressed, and trapped in a hostile environment


It has been nine days since I left. I was weak and caved and saw him once. He bombarded me with messages yesterday, about how I'm "just a hole for him to fill", called me numerous names, basically said anything to warrant a reaction. The whole conversation I remained calm and repeatedly reiterated that I agree with his thoughts on co-parenting and being apart. I think he expected me to beg for him to stay, like I have in the past, because his tune changed suddenly, where he began saying he'd be spending nights with me whenever he's in town, that I "owe him" this much. He claimed that he loved me so much and treated me so well, which is not the case. When I began agreeing with us not being together, he seemed genuinely offended, realizing that I am slowly finding closure as the days go by.

He kept accusing me of moving on and finding someone else, when I have no intentions of doing this. I am pregnant, heartbroken, struggling with my mental health, and still pathetically in love with my abuser. He claims he will see me today, which I kept refuting. I have no wish to see him. I did the other day when he picked up his ring, and it was horribly emotional for me. I do not wish to go through this again.

My mom drove three hours from our home town to spend the weekend with myself and my son, siblings and cousins – so we will be spending all of our time with her, fortunately. She is always supportive and does not judge me for my messy house and depression.

I thought I would feel relief after leaving, but my anxiety has become so extreme that I have a hard time leaving my house for work, let alone to do anything extracurricular with my child. I feel paranoid, like I'm drowning, and it never stops. It's particularly bad at night, I've been getting 1-3 hours of sleep every night and feel like I'm running on empty. I feel anxious when I go on my breaks at work, and have resorted to hiding in the break room when no one else is there. I feel like I am not myself, and have reached out for help in the form of counselling and support groups, but I feel worse than I did eight days ago.

I miss my fitness blog, the gym, activities with my boy, my friends, the music scene; all of the things that once brought me joy in my spare time. I feel like I will never be myself again.

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